1666 Mound Street
Phone: (941) 365-5898
Fax: (941) 366-5728

Cute Kids Quotes

This is just a small sampling of the many hilarious quotes Dr. Meyer and his staff have heard out of the mouths of patients over the years. Enjoy!

Tylenol Juice:

When given a dose of Tylenol, she thought she was back in church: “Look, Mommy, it’s a community cup. Lord, please let this juice be good!”

Christmas Ham:

Mom: Hey Cheyenne. Tell Dr Meyer why you didn’t want to come in today to have him look at the cut on your knee.

Cheyenne(9 yo): I told her I didn’t want you to cut me up like a Christmas ham, and that’s probably what you were gonna do.

Skeleton Pain:

Me: What’s wrong with you today Zachary?

Zachary (5 yo): Well, my whole skeleton hurts!

Very Hungry Davie:

Mom related the following story: Five year old Davie was at his Dad’s office when paramedics showed up unexpectedly. When no one admitted to calling them, Davie finally ‘fessed up: he had called 911 because he was VERY hungry and wanted someone to bring him some food.

Sports Physical:

Me: Hi guys. Are you here today because someone is sick?

Casey (5 yo): No we’re here today to see if Zachary has enough energy to do golf (Zachary was being seen for a sports physical).


Joshua (9 yo, who was being seen for right-sided abdominal pain): Is my independix OK?

Ear Mess:

Me: Hey Leon, what’s wrong with you today? You sick?

Leon(4yo): My ear is sick. It’s got a mess in it.

Don’t Listen to my Nose:

Francesca (3 yo): You can do anything to me, but I don’t want you to listen to my nose.

Me: Um, OK, I won’t.

Bellyache or Earache?:

Jade (4 yo): I have a bellyache in my ear.


Kianna (3 yo pointing to her throat): I have a big, huge bugga-bugga ache in here.


Schae (3 yo): Mom, after the doctor fixes me, will you read to me?

Schae, 5 minutes later: Mom, did the doctor get all my boogies out yet?

The boys:

Matt (4 yo, while I was examining his “privates”): Mom! He’s trying to look at the boys!

I will Cry!:

Mom: Ashley, in order to go to kindergarten you’re gonna have to get some shots.

Ashley (5 yo, after 10 seconds of reflective thought): OK, but I WILL cry.

Lip pain?:

Nurse: Hi Cole. Is there anything you want to talk to the doctor about today?

Cole (6 yo): Yeah. Every time my brother goes to the bathroom to pee, my lip hurts. I am unfamiliar with this particular disorder.

Girl Doctor:

Tank (4 yo): I want to show the doctor all of my muscles.

Mom: Well he’s right there. Go ahead and show him.

Tank: No, I wanna show the GIRL doctor. Not HIM.

Not worth the drive:

Me: Well, since there was no loss of consciousness, vomiting or swelling, I don’t think he seriously injured his head when he fell.

Nathan (9yo): Wait, that’s it?

Mom: Well, I told you I didn’t think you were seriously hurt.

Nathan: No way that was worth a 35 minute drive!

Evil plan:

Noah (5 yo): Is this the place where we get toys (at the end of the visit)?

Me: Yeah, it is, but you have to be good. Do you plan on being good?

Noah: Yes, actually that IS my evil plan.

Sierra and her thumb sucking:

Nurse: Are there any concerns that you’d like to discuss with Dr. Meyer today?

Sierra’s Mom: Yes, we can’t get her to stop sucking her thumb.

Sierra (5 yo): Yeah, I can’t quit sucking my thumb and my Mom and Dad can’t quit sucking on their cigarettes.

Can’t hear:

Clinton(5 yo, who was being seen because he had a cold): Mom, can you hear me? Cause I can’t hear you OR me.

Dr. Meyer is not food:

Logan(4yo): Dr. Meyer is NOT healthy, Mom.

Mom: Why do you say that,Logan?

Logan: Because he’s not food!

The Dentist:

Travis (6 yo, referring to his dentist, Dr. Ronk): The OTHER Dr. Meyer filled my cavity.

Playing Tricks:

Me: Why are you here to see me today, John?

John (4 yo): Well, my penis is playing tricks on me. It tells me I have to go pee, but then when I try to go, it won’t let me. Then turning to address his penis directly and while wagging his finger at it, he added, “Now you stop playing tricks on me.”

Joshua (4 yo): My dentist told me that if you don’t brush your teeth every day, the taste bugs will make your breath smell bad.

Stephanie (2 yo): I don’t like medicine that is eye drips. You’re not gonna give me eye drips, are you?

Me: So, why are you here today, Adam?

Adam (3 yo): The germs went the wrong direction and got into my ear and made my ear sick.

Harry (6 yo): My brother has a fever. His temperature was two-point-two.

Derek (2 yo, while pointing toward my 28 year old nurse): Your Mom just HURT me and I didn’t like it.

David (4 yo): When I get that wax stuff in my ears at night, it makes my eyes go down and then that wakes me up.

Kacie (9 yo): I had a temperature of 100, or 200, or SOMETHING like that.

Christina (3 yo): I had a bad cough last bed-night.

Sarah (3 yo): I have an ear-itate.

Jennifer (3 yo): Bees are stinging me in my ear.

Joshua (2 yo, a few seconds after I had finished examining him): Mom, am I all better now?

Elizabeth(8 yo): Sometimes flies go up my nose, so I just grab my nose and smush ’em. It’s the ONLY way to do it.

Collin (4 yo): Sometimes my Mommy gets white hairs in her eye-browns, so she pulls ’em out. When asked why he had come in to see me, Collin said,” I hurt my L-bone. Why didn’t we grown-ups think of eye-browns and an L-bone?

Jarrett (3 yo): I have a cough in my mouth. At the end of his visit Jarrett’s Mom told him that he had to wait until he was outside to blow his new toy whistle. He then walked over to the mail slot in our front door, stuck the whistle into the mail slot, and THEN blew it!

John (3 yo, who was coming in to see us with a sore throat): I’ve got a throat in my mouth.

Michael (6 yo): I’m all better now, and my temperature is back down to seventy-eight point three.

Thomas (4 yo): I’ve been bless-you-in’ all day!

Zach (3 yo): I’m here to get my TV test. We think he meant TB test.

Hannah (3 yo): Dr Meyer, I can’t get my sickness out. Can you fix me?

Nicholas (4 yo): I’ve gotten big since you saw me, Dr Meyer. I have breath now!

Thomas (3 yo, who came in with a sore throat and an ear ache): My head is broken, Dr. My-ruh.

Mark (4 yo): Mom, why am I going to the doctor?

Mom: We’re here to see if you’re healthy.

Mark: I’m not healthy. I’m a GOOD boy!

Nurse: I’m gonna check your blood pressure now, Ryan.

Ryan (4 yo): Nooo. I don’t have any blood.

Nicole (2 yo): Mom, when we’re done with the doctor visit, can I play with the toys in Dr. Ted’s living room?

Megan (3 yo): Mom, ask Dr Meyer to pull out my cold.

Me: I’m just going to take a quick look into your ear, Meggan.

Meggan (5 yo): OK. Don’t get any diseases!

Daniel (6 yo): When you look in my ear, can you see my brain pumping?

Allison (7 yo): You know, if you hurt on one side of your body, chew up the Tylenol on the opposite side of your mouth and you will get better faster. I know this works. I tried it out.

Me: Did you sleep OK last night, Chelsea?

Chelsea(6 yo): No, I had a lot of roll-overs.

Me: How’d you get that black and blue toenail, Lindsey?

Lindsey (5 yo): A barrel of pudding fell on it. We think she meant a can of pudding.

Me: How’d you get sick, Tawney?

Tawney (2 yo): Well, sometimes bugs sit on my ear and just dangle their feet into my ear.

Brittany(4 yo): I’m not gonna cry at the doctor’s next time, if I can just keep my throat from crying.

Me: What’s up with you, Brian?

Brian (2 yo): I’ve got a fever on my chin.

Me: So, does anything hurt you, Tyler?

Tyler(4 yo): yep.

Me: What hurts?

Tyler: My fever!

Lauren (6 yo): Mom, tell Dr Meyer I don’t want him to do a throat sculpture.

Michael (3 yo): I don’t want the lady to look in my ear. I only want the daddy-doctor to do it.

Me: So what’s wrong with you today, Jon?

Jon (4 yo): My throat is sick.

Me: How long has it been sick?

Jon: Oh, about a minute.

Me: I’m just gonna listen to you breathe, Ashley.

Ashley (3 yo): Oh no. Not THAT. ANYTHING but THAT!

Tyler(4 yo, after the nurse checked his height and weight): Gee, Mom. I’ve grown so much it’s hard to believe the difference in me!

Me: Why are you here today, Ericka?

Ericka (5 yo): It’s because I’ve had 3 fevers!

Jessica (4 yo): I’m gonna go out and get a NEW doctor. I want one that won’t give shots to little kids.

Me: I’m just gonna look in your eyes with my flashlight, OK Katy?

Katy (5 yo): You sure you’re not gonna poke my eyes out with that thing?

Me: No, of course not Honey!

Katy: Weeeellllll, alright, then. I guess.

Alaric (5 yo): I’m afraid I’m thinking bad thoughts right now.

Nurse: Oh, I’m sure you’re not. Why do you think you are?

Alaric: I’m thinking bad thoughts in my head about what I’ll do to you if you give me a shot!

Me: You have a couple of boo-boos on your fingers, don’t you Tim? I see you have 2 Band-Aids.

Tim (4 yo): Yeah, I ate one of my fingers and a bad man ate the other one. Later that same visit, I said, “I need you to go potty with Mommy and pee in a cup for me, OK Tim?”

Tim: OK, AND I know that I have to be very careful and aim REAL good, right?

Sarah (2 yo): Mom, Dockuh Miruh already saw me but I’m STILL sick!

Me: What’s wrong with you today, Sara?

Sara (4 yo): I don’t have a throat.

Nicole (5 yo): I feel like I have 44 needles in my stomach. It may only be coincidental that Nicole’s mother had just had her 44th birthday, but I think not.

Sarah (3 yo) was looking at a diagram in my exam room of the head and neck structures:

Sarah: Where’s the nose, Mom?

Mom: Here.

Sarah: Where’s the ears?

Mom: Here.

Sarah: Where’s Disney World?

Mom: Ummmm, that way (pointing across the room).

Me: What hurts you, Caitlyn?

Caitlyn (3 yo): My throat hurts.

Me: Does it hurt anyplace else?

Caitlyn: Yeah, it hurt at my Daddy’s office, too.

Nurse: HeyBrittany, you know Dr. Meyer needs you to pee in a cup after your exam.

Brittany(4 yo): OK, I’ll try. But, really, I think I’m too big to fit into a cup.

Taryn (3 yo, carefully studying me while I listened to her baby sister’s lungs with my stethoscope): I know what Dr. Meyer is doing.

Mom: What do you think he’s doing?

Taryn: He’s listening to music in there. As they were leaving the office and Mom was paying her bill at the front desk, Taryn looked atAlberta, my receptionist, and exclaimed,” Mom,Albertatakes ALL of our money, doesn’t she?”

Katie (4 yo): I know why I get sick.

Mom: Why?

Katie: Well, Sara (their dog) takes away all my germs, but then Duma (their cat) brings them back to me and makes me sick.

Me: So Nathan, I heard your ear was hurting you. Does it still hurt?

Nathan (6 yo): No, not any more. I think something was fighting in my ear last night, but now it’s asleep.

Michael (3 yo): I want the Mommy-Dr.-Ted to see me, not the Daddy-Dr.-Ted. I like her better.

David (3 yo): I don’t feel too good. Could I have a beer, please?

Garrett (6 yo): If you ever need me to pee in a cup again, all you have to do is put some water in a cup, ’cause my penis senses water.

Me: What’s up with you today, Eric?

Eric (10 yo): Well, I have to cough every time someone says the word ‘dog’.

Me: I’m sorry. I got nothing.

Mom: What should he drink with his tonsillitis?

Me: Oh, clear liquids would be good. Stuff like water, juice, Gator-ade.

Desmond (3 yo): Mom, what’s waterjuicegator?

Sam (4 yo): Mom, when am I gonna get rid of my wiggly-worm (ringworm)? Later that visit, when I told him I needed him to go “pee” in a cup, he asked, “Why? So somebody can drink it? They’d probably think it was lemonade. Probably.”

Andrew (6 yo): Well, what I think what my problem is is I’ve got too much soggy stuff in my head.

Joshua (6 yo, while opening his mouth wide and pointing into it): If you want to know what’s wrong with me, you may want to look in here.

David (3 yo): I’m all better now, Dr. Meyer. I lost my mouth (which apparently meant the pain in his mouth was gone).

Me: What’s wrong with you, Angie?

Angie (3 yo): Well, I had a cough on Tuesday and Saturday and Wednesday and Saturday. I’ve had a cough for a hundred days.

Jordan(6 yo): Mom! This bathroom ROCKS!

Katy (5 yo): When you shine that light in my eyes, it makes my pimples (pupils) get smaller.

Me: OK Cailey, I need you to go pee in a cup now.

Cailey (4 yo): WHAT?

Me: I need you to go with Daddy to the bathroom down the hall and pee in a cup for me.

Cailey: Well that’s just not right at ALL.

Jacob (5 yo, while going over to the office water fountain): Man, I need a drink after all this doctorin’ stuff.

Kaylin (3 yo, after I had checked her eyes and ears): I know what you’re gonna do next.

Me: Oh yeah, what am I gonna do next?

Kaylin: You’re gonna listen to my boobies!

Me: What’s up with you today, Kyle?

Kyle (7 yo): Well, lately I’ve been wetting my pants at school, and I don’t mean to.

Me: Well. Lemme take a look here. Oh, OK. I see what the problem is. The opening to your penis has gotten a little too small. I can give you a cream to put on it, and that should fix the problem.

Kyle: Cool! Will it make my penis bigger, too? And so it starts.

Me: I’m gonna put this stick with cotton on the end into your mouth and get some of the germs off, OK Dylan? There you go. That wasn’t too bad, was it?

Dylan (4 yo): Oh man, that thing made my eyes leak!

Me: We’re gonna give you a vaccine that will help protect you against viruses that you could get from boys.

Madison(12 yo): Oh, I’m not gonna have sex. Well, not anytime soon, anyway!

Me: Why are you sick, Ryan? What’s going on with you?

Ryan (3 yo): I swallowed a ringworm. None of us still has any idea what he was talking about.

Me: OK girls, now that your checkup is over you get to pick out a flavor stick. Which one do you want? Cherry or grape? You can pick.

Kelsey (3 yo): I want…. cereal!

Me: OK, Patrick, I just need to quickly check inside your underwear to look at your rash. OK, there, we’re done.

Patrick (8 yo): Can somebody PLEASE give me a pill RIGHT NOW that will make me forget that that just happened.

You Can Pick Your Friends But Not Your Family

Michael (4 yo): My Mom was out of town so my Dad had to cook, but he didn’t really cook, he just bought stuff, but it was really good. We had chicken and cold slop (cole slaw).

Sarah (2 yo): I miss you Mommy.

Mom: I didn’t go anywhere, Sarah.

Sarah: But I miss you when I asleep.

Ketch (3 yo) came into the office wearing Spider-Man shoes, Spider-Man shirt and Spider-Man underwear. I asked if he was going to go home and fight the Green Goblin. He replied, “No, her name is Kirsty’. This happens to be his mother’s name. She was waiting for him back at home.

Zachary (7 yo): My friend Thomas … not the train engine, he’s a kid … anyway, my friend Thomas …

Jordan(6yo): We went to North Carolinaand we went down a water slide and my Daddy lost his wedding ring, but he said it’s OK ’cause he didn’t really want it anyway. Mom was becoming more and more visibly horrified as this story went on.

Daniel (4 yo, who was helping me differentiate between his grandmother and his great-grandmother): It’s my Grandma, but not the new one, it’s the old one.

While I was speaking to Olivia’s mom at the end of her checkup, we both noticed that Olivia (5 yo) was quietly mumbling to herself. Her mom asked her what she was saying and she looked up pensively and asked “Mom, I need to know where I’m gonna live when I’m a grown-up!

I was examining a toddler and speaking to his very disheveled-looking parents who had been up all night with him during his illness. The Mom’s cell phone suddenly rang and she quickly switched off her phone, but a few seconds later it rang again. She again quickly switched it off, but every 15 or 20 seconds her phone would ring again. Finally, in frustration she said, “I just don’t know who would be calling me so frantically”. The next time it rang, she looked at the caller ID and saw that the call came from her husband’s phone, although he was sitting just a couple of feet away. It was then that they realized that he had given his phone to his young infant to keep him occupied during his brother’s exam. The baby had his thumb on the SEND button and was repeatedly pushing it.

Allison (6 yo): I have a friend but she lives with her apostrophe parents. Apparently this meant foster parents, although we are not certain.

Mom: Later this summer, we’re taking the kids to see the grandparents inAlabama.

Daniel (5 yo): Oh-oh. I better get my passport ready.

Kacie (4 yo): My Dad teaches Kyle about all kinds of stuff like smoking and drinking and saying sexy words. Thanks to her mother’s horrified objections, we learned that Kacie meant he taught Kyle NOT to do those things.

Me: You going on any vacation this summer?

David (5 yo): We’re gonna drive toColorado, and my Dad says we can’t pee until Mississumpi!

Me: Did you get some good stuff for Christmas, Kyle?

Kyle (4 yo): Yeah, actually I did. I don’t think Santa was watching me too close this year.

Mom: Cameron, why didn’t you tell me you put Gak [a green, gooey toy for kids] in your ear two weeks ago? You’ve had Gak in your ear for 2 weeks?

Cameron (5 yo): Well, I woulda, but you were on the phone.

John’s Mom related the following story: Although John, 3 yo, LOVES Barney the purple dinosaur, he sadly refused to wear his formerly favorite Barney underwear. The reason? John’s little cousin also loves Barney, and whenever he sees a picture of Barney he tries to kiss it. John had grown tired of having his cousin try to kiss the picture of Barney on his rear end, and thus, sadly, voluntarily ended the Barney underwear era.

Jesse (3 yo): It’s not fair, Mom.

Mom: What’s not fair, Jesse?

Jesse: It’s not fair that Jennifer always gets to be the baby. When do I get to be the baby again?

Kaitlyn (4 yo): Mommy, I think I’m dead.

Mom (horrified voice): No you’re not Kaitlyn. Why would you say something like that? You’re not dead, Honey.

Kaitlyn: Well, I asked Grandma what dead meant, and she said it’s when you stop breathing, and I can’t breathe so that means I’m dead. Right?

Jenna (4 yo): Mom, can I get a sticker for Tyson, too when I get my sticker?

Mom: Sure, Jenna. That is very sweet of you to think of getting a sticker for your brother.

Jenna: And then, maybe Tyson won’t want his sticker, and then I can give it to me!

Me: Who’d you bring with you, Alex? Who’s that baby?

Alex (3 yo, following a very long pause): That IS Mike-y, ISN’T it Mom?

Me: What’s the matter, Blake? You look sad.

Blake (3 yo): I’ve just had too much mothering today.

Dad: Come on Eric. You know that you can only have ONE toy from Dr. Meyer’s toy-box.

Eric (4 yo): But I want to get one for my brother, too.

Dad: Eric you don’t HAVE a brother.

Eric: Oh. Then I want to get one for my sister.

Rachael (4 yo, while staring intently at her grandmother’s arm): Nanny, your skin doesn’t fit you too well, does it?

Mom: Maybe when we go on our vacation, you can sleep with Daddy since you’re both already sick.

Eric (11 yo): NO WAY. Not unless he puts some clothes on when he sleeps. I don’t see how you can stand it every night of your life.

Heather (5 yo): I’m gonna puke like a horse! Moments later, apparently recovering nicely from her episode of equine emesis, she said, “I’m gonna be Robin for Halloween, and Daddy is gonna be Batman, and Mom is gonna be Cat-woman, and she’s gonna be REAL sexy.

Alexis (13 yo): My Dad is the head of the family, but my Mom is the neck, and the neck controls the head, you know.

Chris (7 yo): I bet being a nurse is a hard job.

Nurse: Well, maybe, but the hardest job is being a Mom.

Chris: I KNOW. Especially if you’re a Dad!

Me: So, Liam, what do you do to earn your allowance?

Liam (7 yo): I have to watch my dog take a dump.

Mom: Oh my God, Liam! He means he has to take the dog for a walk every day!

Luke (5 yo): My Mom and Dad don’t know that I was sick, so they made me go back into the game. I’m glad they finally got some sense knocked into their heads.

Me: Did you have a fun summer?

Michael (5 yo): Uh-huh.

Me: Did you go on a family vacation?

Michael: Uh-huh.

Me: Where’d you go?

Michael: We went to the grocery store!

Death Before Dinosaurs

Bradley (5 yo): Look what my shirt says. It says ‘Death before dinosaurs.’

Me: What? Let me look at that. I don’t even know what that means. OH, it says ‘Death Before Dishonor.’ What did you think ‘death before dinosaurs’ even meant?

Bradley: I don’t know. Just something cool, like DEATH!

Amanda (4 yo, while turned to her mother and jabbing her in each breast with her index finger): My Mom has TWO of these.

Mathew (18 months old, while sitting on the floor and peeking down into his diaper): THAT’S my good pee-pee.

Me: So what was your favorite Christmas present, Isaac?

Isaac (3yo): I got a big man-tool!

Mom (very quickly and with some consternation): He means he got toy tools like the ones that big men use, like a hammer, a screwdriver and a wrench.

Me: Oh. Good.

Josh (7 yo, speaking to Gwen, my nurse): Are you, sometimes in the morning, sometimes, are you black? It turns out that Gwen is African-American all day long.

Marissa (4 yo): I like the cartoon ‘Rugrats’ AND I have a friend named Angelica.

Me: But I bet you don’t have friend named Tommy (I pronounced the name ‘Tobby’, the way the character in the cartoon says his name).

Marissa (with a very puzzled expression): Are you a kid or a grown-up?

Adam (4yo): I’ve been jumping in the pool, but I can’t do a cannonball until I get a lot bigger.

Me: How big do you need to be to do a cannonball?

Adam: I have to be about 10 years more older, like a really, really big guy!

Jason (5 yo): Is that shot needle as big as theEntireStateBuilding?

Castalyn (4 yo): Our pool is broken. It over-floated.

Sasha (5 yo): Mommy, Dr. Meyer loves ALL children, EVEN me!

George (5 yo): I’m three-ten? That means I’m 3 inches and ten feet tall?

Kyle (3 yo): Hey Mom, is this Dr Meyer’s shop?

Mom: Hey Reid. Did you just poop in your pants?

Reid (22 months old): No Mamma. No Poop. I got gas!

Evan (5 yo): Mommy said that Maggie (their dog) couldn’t go outside for a while because there were boy-dogs out there plus we saw blood on the floor and it was too hot outside. Think about it. It’ll come to you.

Me: Who cut off your bangs, Amanda? How’d THAT happen?

Amanda (4 yo): A GHOST did it while I was asleep!

John (4 yo, standing in the waiting room in front of a group of very wide-eyed parents as he was pointing to a toy cash register: Mom, can I play with the castrator?

Chase (4yo): Don’t worry, Amanda. When you get to be a teenager like me then you won’t cry.

Amanda (9 yo): Chase, you’re FOUR. Why do you think you’re a teenager?

Chase: Because I don’t cry at the doctor’s, so that makes me a teenager.

Allison (5 yo): I didn’t even cry when Mom put my drop-eyes in!

OK, this one takes some translating:

Jennifer (4 yo): I don’t WANT a seat cushion! We finally figured out that in her mind she had gone from ‘booster shot’ to ‘booster seat’ to ‘seat cushion’. Those wheels really were turning!

Nicholas (3 yo): I like that nurse. She’s big and soft and mushy.

Related to me by Mom: Do you still fell sick, Honey?

Michael (3 yo): Yeah, and I want you to call Dr. Meyer now. Call 9-9-9.

Mom: Honey, Dr. Meyer doesn’t come with the ambulance, and anyway, it’s 9-1-1, not 9-9-9.

Michael: Whatever! Just call him. And he does too come with the am-buh-lance. He’s the driver.

Tara(6 yo, while pointing to her IV): My blood pressure doesn’t hurt anymore!

John (5 yo): If I don’t like the toys that you give out (at the end of the office visit), can I just have a dollar instead? Today, John is a PI lawyer.

Me: Hey Spencer, I can’t believe you’re 4 years old. You’re getting old, man.

Spencer: No, I’m still new, but I DO know how to hold my penis! See!

Mom: OK William, Dr. Meyer wants you to pee in a cup before we leave.

William (8 yo): WHAT? Is that even legal?

Me: So, how many words can Nicholas (15 months old) say?

Mom: About 15, but as of this week, one of them is ‘Baghdad’. It was 2003 and the Gulf War had been all over the news!

Danielle (3 yo): I have a new bike, but I’m gonna have to get a butt pad.

Me: What do you mean? You mean a seat cushion?

Danielle: No, a butt pad. I keep falling off my bike and landing on my butt.

Allyson (2 yo): Please don’t make me feel better. Mom, don’t let him make me feel better. We’re fairly sure she meant ‘examine her’.

Joel (9 yo): Do pediatricians make a LOTof money? Cause I might wanna be a pediatrician instead of a lawyer when I grow up if they do. So DO they? John, from above, and Joel are now partners in a law office.

Russell (4 yo): I’m gonna be a policeman AND a doctor when I grow up so I can catch the bad guys and then make ’em better.

Erin’s mom: What do you say when someone gives you something,Erin?

Erin(23 months old): You’re my welcome.

Emory (3 yo): Mom, when we get home. Can I put my cup in the wash-disher?

Michael (3 yo, looking in the bathroom cubby door for his urine sample): HEY. It dist-appeared!

Allison (5 yo): Look, Mom, they have a paint washer like WE do. She was pointing to our fire-extinguisher. At the same visit she said, “Oh-oh. I forgot the check-mark for my book.” We’re going with ‘book-mark’ on this one.

Allison (7 yo): In school today I learned that fish don’t have lungs. They breathe through skills.

Ricky (3 yo): I almost went down the drain in the tub last night. You’d be surprised how many patients we have nearly lost in senseless tub draining accidents.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up, Lauren?

Lauren (5 yo): Well, I either want to be a doctor, or Queen of America.

Mom: John, you’re putting your shoes on the wrong feet.

John (3 yo): I am NOT. These are MY feet!

Ashley (3 yo): Mom, when we leave here, can I push the down button on the alligator? Well, we DO live in Florida, after all.

Me: So what have you been doing that was fun, Kelly?

Kelly (2 yo): We went to see Sapocchio (the movie Pinocchio).

Steven (4 yo): When I grow up, I want to be a big, strong, black basketball player. Currently, Steven is none of those things.

Matthew (4 yo): Thank you, Dr. Ted. You made me feel better. Awwww, shucks.

Me: Your birthday is coming up pretty soon, isn’t it Whitney?

Whitney (5 yo): Yep. It’s not today, it’s not tomorrow but it’s tomorrow. This would be kid-code for sometime in the near but indefinable future.

Mom: Hey Mike, do you know this man? Who is this guy?

Mike (3 yo): That’s my doctor!

Mom: That’s right. Do you know his name?

Mike: Yup. He’s Doctor Seuss.

Shelby’s Mom described the following scene:Shelby, 3 yo, went upstairs to her room and came back down wearing her nice patent leather ‘party shoes’. Her mom asked her where she was going all dressed up, and she said simply “Outside. I’ll be back”. She walked out the door and returned in a few minutes now carrying her underwear. She had put on her favorite shoes so that she would look nice when she went outside to urinate in the grass!

Mom: Kim, tell Dr. Meyer where we’re going on vacation.

Kim (5 yo): We’re gonna go to I-don’t-know.

Mom: No, Kim. Remember? It’s pronouncedIdaho.

Jessica (5 yo, while looking at a framed picture of me that had been in the newspaper 10 years earlier): Hey Dr. Meyer. How’d you get new in that picture?

Kara (2 yo, pointing to one of my exam rooms): Hey Dockuh Myruh, I used to live in there yesterday!

Me: So, what are you gonna do this summer, Kileigh?

Kileigh (6 yo): I’m gonna do this thing that’s called summer camp.

Brian (4 yo): The Lady-Ted already gave me my shot!

Me: So, what do you want for your birthday, Kevin?

Kevin, who would be 4 the next day: I want a snorkel and a mask and those things that go on your feet that are not ice skates!

Me: What did you get for Christmas, Mary Kate?

Mary Kate (4 yo): I got a celery phone just like my Mom’s.

Me: Hey Cody, I heard you were playing ice hockey now.

Cody (5 yo): Yeah, I am. And you know what? I just can’t WAIT to get smashed into the boards!

Me: Hey, Desmond. Do you like baseball?

Desmond (6 yo): Yep!

Me: Who’s your favorite baseball player?

Desmond: Me!

Marie (3 yo): I don’t like the doctor, Mommy. He’s a supersonic, idiotic booger-chicken. I had no come-back.

Me: So what do you want to be when you grow up, Aaron?

Aaron (4 yo): A prince!

Me: A prince? What kind of prince?

Aaron: You know. Like the kind that gets a Sleeping Beauty!

Kacie (3 yo): I’m gonna take karate like Kyle does when I get to be a boy.

Me: So, how old are you, Josh? You 37 or something?

Josh (5 yo): NO, I’m not a big-year-old yet!

Nurse: Jason, look at you! You look SO handsome today. You’ve got on a nice white shirt, and a TIE, and fancy shoes. You must be going some place special after this!

Jason (7 yo): No. No place but back home.

Jason’s Mom: He’s decided he wants to be a lawyer, and he says that that’s how lawyers dress, so now he insists on dressing up every day. The law firm of John, Joel and Jason.

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste on Education

Kyle (4 yo): Mom, do I have to go back to school?

Kyle’s Mom: Yeah, Dr. Meyer says you’re not contagious.

Kyle: But MOM, I came here for a REASON!

First Mom upon seeing one of her friends at my office: I heard David wasn’t in school yesterday. What’s wrong with him?

Second Mom: Division.

Me: So what’s wrong with Hayden?

Mom: Well, he went to the school clinic and the nurse said he had a red ear and a fever and he had to go home.

Me: Well, he looks fine to me. His ears are good and he has no fever.

Hannah (8yo): I bet she just wanted to get rid of him.

Me: So what school do you go to?

Megan, Elise and Justin (4 yo triplets): We go to Little Recyclers. Their school is actually called Little Disciples, and their “job” at home is separating the cans, bottles and paper products for the recycling bins.

Griffin(5 yo, and had come in for a checkup after his first day of kindergarten): I didn’t like my school today .

Me: Why not? I thought you would LOVE kindergarten.

Griffin: Well, they didn’t teach me to read yet, and there WAS no garden.

Cody (6 yo): My teacher was so boring yesterday, she gave me a bore-fever!

Me: So Jessica, do you have any questions?

Jessica (5 yo): Yes, if the principal of my school was a lady, would she be a princess-ipal?

Me: Hey Erin, what have you learned in kindergarten this year?

Erin(5 yo): I learned that George Washington was the first president and he was rich, but the guy on the penny, he was poor.

Joshua (5 yo): I’m sick and I need medicine.

Me: Do you think you need an anti-infective medication or an anti-inflammatory medication?

Joshua: I don’t know what those words mean because they haven’t taught me that in school yet. I won’t learn those words until college!

Nurse, speaking into phone: Hi, this is the nurse at Dr. Meyer’s office. Is your Mom there?

David (5 yo): No, you just missed her. She went to college.

Me: Hey R’Shaun, what’s your favorite thing about kindergarten?

R’Shaun (5 yo): Chasin’ girls!

Me: Do they ever chase you?

R’Shaun: No, but when I catch ’em, it makes ’em giggle!

Me: So, do you talk about the presidential election at school?

Michelle (10 yo): Yeah, and we got to vote for our favorites.

Me: Who’d you vote for?

Michelle: Bush, ’cause he sounds like a shrub.

Me: My, Emily, you’ve gotten SO tall. You must be the tallest person in your class.

Emily (4 yo): No, the teacher is.

Me: Well Connor, what did you learn yesterday on your first day of kindergarten?

Conner (4 yo): Well yesterday we only did General Curriculum (pronounced gen-a-wuh cu-wick-you-um).

Mom: Tell Dr. Ted why you’ve decided that you aren’t going to school anymore.

Vance (8 yo): Because school is a waste of my time going down the drain of my life.

I Don’t Know Why You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

As I started to walk out of an exam room, Aspen, 22 months old ,started waving ‘bye-bye’ very vigorously and even blew me a loud “smacky” kiss. Feeling quite pleased with my ability to win over yet another toddler, I left the room, but as I rounded the corner I overheard Aspensay “Mom, who that guy”? Humility restored.

Mom, as she and her 3 kids were leaving the office: What do you say to Dr. Meyer?

Peyton (3 yo): Thank you for all your work!

I learn more humility: As I walked out of the exam room, 3 yo Conner gave me a big wave and enthusiastically said. “Good-bye Doctor”. As I smiled proudly, he then turned and looked at the wallpaper border in the exam room and even more enthusiastically exclaimed, “Good-bye car!” In the pre-school popularity poll, I’m in a dead heat with wallpaper.

Dylan (2 yo): No, Meyer, NO! I actually get that a lot.Sigh.

Marissa (2 yo): Thank you, My-Doctor. On the other hand, I also get this, so I consider myself to be way into the plus column.

Sarah (2 yo): Mom, please make Dr. Ted be gone now. I want him gone now.

Leah (2 yo): Don’t let the doctor get me, mama. Please don’t let him get me.

Scotty (2 yo): Mommy, make the doctor go bye-bye.

Mom: What do we say to the doctor when we leave?

Tawney (3 yo): Nice to see you again. Drive careful.

Me: Hi Steve.

Steve (3 yo): Hi! I’m me!

Taylor(2 yo): Go home Docka My-ruh.

Caroline (3 yo): Hi, Uncle Meyer. I’m here!

Mom: What do you say to Dr. Meyer, Emerson?

Emerson ( 4 yo): Thank you for checking my head-brain, Dr. Meyer.

Kari (3yo): Good-bye, Dr. Ted Meyer. There just seem to be endless variations on telling me good-bye.

What is God’s Last Name?

Sela (4 yo): I know God’s last name!

Me: You do? How’d you learn that?

Sela: I called my Grandpa and asked him and he told me.

Me: Well, what is God’s last name?

Sela: His whole name is God Almighty, but most people just call him God.

Mathew (2 yo): Bye-bye Dockuh My-ruh. Have a nice Santa Claus!

Sarah (4 yo): When I grow up, I want to be a doctor and an astronaut and an angel.

Me: Hey Sammy, do you know which President’s birthday is today?

Sammy (6 yo): Yep. It’s George Washington’s birthday.

Me: Good! Do you know who the President is now?

Sammy: Noooo, I don’t think so.

Mom: Yes you do, Sammy. Who do we pray for every day?

Sammy: Um, … God?

Megan (4yo, as she handed her Mom a medication dose cup): Here, Mom. We’re gonna take Holy Community. ‘Dear Lord, please let this juice be good.’

Mathew ( 5yo): Hey Mom. I want to change my name.

Mom: You do? What would you want to change it to?

Mathew: I like the name Jesus. Can I change my name to Jesus?

Mom: We’ll talk.

Mom: See, Dominick. Dr. Meyer is a NICE man. He’s not like Santa Claus at ALL! Upon my look of confusion at the comparison of me to Santa, Mom explained that Dominick, 30 months old, hated the idea of sitting on Santa’s lap in the mall, and said he’d rather get “nuffin” for Christmas if getting presents meant he’d have to sit on Santa’s lap first.

Me: So what are going to ask Santa Claus for for Christmas, Tim?

Tim (14 yo with Down Syndrome): I want a motorcycle, a beer, a cigarette holder, a cigarette and a tattoo. Ah, the innocemce of youth!

Mom: Daniel, what am I going to DO with you?

Daniel (14 yo): Oh Mom, you know my horns are just there to hold up my halo.